Why Do I Keep Doing This? How Attachment, Old Beliefs, and Repeated Patterns Shape Us

Have you ever caught yourself doing something you promised yourself you would stop doing?

Choosing another emotionally unavailable person.

Overgiving and then feeling resentful.

Avoiding a conversation because you are afraid someone will leave.

Getting defensive when your feelings are hurt.

Trying to control everything because uncertainty feels unbearable.

People-pleasing even when you know better.

Or hearing that familiar voice inside:

You're not good enough.

You messed this up.

They're going to leave.

Don't say what you really need.

And then wondering:

Why do I keep doing this?

That question sits underneath much of my conversation with licensed mental health counselor Travis Gray in Episode 3 of The Holistic Counselor Podcast.

When I recorded that conversation in 2024, we talked about emotional memory, attachment, childhood experiences, shame, relationships, faith, addiction, vulnerability, and the Comprehensive Emotional Memory Assessment, or CEMA, a framework Travis created to explore emotional patterns and underlying beliefs.

Listening back more than two years later, however, I hear something even bigger.

I hear patterns.

And after more than a hundred additional podcast conversations, continued learning, clinical work, and plenty of my own personal growth, I have more language for some of what we were discussing then.

Sometimes the Behavior Is Not the Whole Story

During our conversation, Travis described growing up with difficulty trusting love and connection.

He wanted connection.

But when people got close, another part of him wanted to create distance.

He learned to be helpful and kind, but receiving closeness was much harder.

Later in the episode, he described beliefs that can sit beneath our visible behavior:

I'm not good enough.

I can't trust people.

If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me.

I have to keep giving or people will leave.

I'm not allowed to ask for what I need.

That language stayed with me.

Because today, I would also look at those patterns through the lenses of attachment theory, trauma-informed care, cognitive behavioral therapy, and Internal Family Systems.

Different models may use different words, but they can sometimes help us ask a similar question:

What is happening underneath this behavior?

Your Patterns May Have Once Made Sense

This is one of the reasons I find attachment so interesting.

Human beings learn in relationships.

If connection was generally safe and responsive, we may develop one set of expectations.

If connection was unpredictable, rejecting, frightening, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent, we may develop others.

Adult attachment research has explored how attachment anxiety and avoidance can influence the ways people think, feel, behave, and regulate emotion when relationships become stressful.

That does not mean your childhood determines the rest of your life.

It means your history can give you context.

And context can give you choices.

Maybe being overly helpful helped you stay connected to people.

Maybe staying quiet reduced conflict.

Maybe hypervigilance helped you anticipate what was coming next.

Maybe shutting down protected you from becoming overwhelmed.

Maybe perfectionism helped you receive approval.

Maybe your inner critic believed criticism would keep you from failing.

What frustrates me is how quickly we can turn these patterns into another reason to attack ourselves.

Why am I like this?

I should know better.

I'm a therapist. I shouldn't react this way.

I've already worked on this.

But shame rarely gives us the curiosity we need to understand ourselves.

Sometimes a better question is:

What was this response trying to do for me?

I Have Different Language for This Now

Since recording Episode 3, I have spent more time learning about Internal Family Systems, the therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz.

IFS uses the language of parts.

A manager part might try to organize, control, perfect, criticize, anticipate problems, or take care of everyone else.

Those behaviors may be frustrating, but the IFS lens invites us to become curious about what the part is trying to protect.

That changed something for me.

Instead of immediately trying to get rid of the inner critic, I can notice it.

Okay. You're here.

What happened?

What are you worried about?

What are you trying to protect?

That is very different from:

Here I go again. What is wrong with me?

And no, I don't think we ever reach a point where we finally understand every part of ourselves.

The more I learn, the more I realize how much there is to learn.

That is true across the mental-health professions too.

LMHCs, LCSWs, LMFTs, psychologists, physicians, pastors, researchers, neuroscientists, and other professionals may be trained to notice different pieces of the human experience.

No one model explains everything.

No clinician knows everything.

Certainly, I don't.

Maybe maturity is not finally knowing it all.

Maybe it is remaining teachable.

Knowing Better Does Not Automatically Mean Doing Better

This may be one of the biggest lessons I have learned since Episode 3:

Awareness is the beginning of change. It is not the same thing as change.

You can know where a pattern came from and still repeat it.

You can understand attachment theory and still feel anxious when somebody pulls away.

You can teach boundaries and still have difficulty setting one.

You can understand cognitive distortions and still believe one when you are tired, scared, or hurt.

You can tell other people to slow down and still have to remind yourself to do exactly that.

Changing long-practiced patterns takes practice.

Our brains remain capable of learning and change throughout life. That capacity is often described as neuroplasticity.

But I think social media has sometimes turned neuroplasticity into another quick-fix promise.

Healing is rarely:

Think this thought three times and rewire your brain.

Real life is messier.

New ways of responding usually have to be practiced repeatedly—especially when the old response has had years to become familiar.

There is no magic bullet.

There is no perfect podcast episode.

There is no therapist who can do the work for you.

There is no book you can buy and place on your nightstand that heals you simply because you own it.

At some point, we practice.

And then we practice again.

Recently, I Had to Practice It Myself

Not long ago, I received a two-star review.

My feelings were hurt.

Really hurt.

And yes, there was an emotional response.

What mattered was what happened next.

I could react from the hurt.

Or I could slow down.

I have said for years:

React in emotion. Respond in wisdom.

That sounds great when I'm saying it to somebody else.

It is another thing entirely when my feelings are hurt.

So I had to practice it.

I stopped.

I prayed.

I went to Scripture.

I asked God to show me what was happening in me rather than immediately focusing on what was happening outside of me.

I became curious about the part of me that was hurt.

What was this touching?

Why did it matter so much?

Was there something useful here?

Was there something I needed to release?

What belonged to me, and what didn't?

That did not magically make the feeling disappear.

And I don't think the goal of emotional health is to stop feeling hurt.

The goal is learning that a feeling does not have to make every decision that follows it.

That is growth.

And I am still practicing it.

The Dark Cave

One of the images from my conversation with Travis that still resonates with me is what he called the dark cave.

He described spending years in emotional pain and eventually learning to bring light into the dark places instead of continually running from them.

I understand that differently today.

I do not believe suffering itself should be glorified.

Trauma is not good because it traumatizes us.

Abuse does not become acceptable because somebody eventually learns something from it.

Grief hurts.

Loss hurts.

Rejection hurts.

Healing hurts sometimes too.

But I have also lived long enough to see that some of the seasons I desperately wanted to escape taught me things comfort never required me to learn.

The image that comes to mind is refining.

Pruning.

Strengthening a muscle.

None of those processes happen without resistance.

Jesus never promised human beings a trouble-free life.

In Matthew 6:34, He brings our attention back from tomorrow's anxiety to the trouble—and therefore the choices—of today.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:34, ESV

That has become increasingly meaningful to me.

I cannot change yesterday.

I cannot control everything that happens tomorrow.

But I can ask:

What am I going to do with what is in front of me today?

Maybe the Pattern Is Showing You Where to Look

Think about one pattern you keep repeating.

Not ten.

One.

Maybe it happens in romantic relationships.

Maybe it happens at work.

Maybe it happens when someone criticizes you.

Maybe you shut down.

Maybe you chase.

Maybe you fix.

Maybe you attack.

Maybe you apologize when you did nothing wrong.

Maybe you become the caretaker.

Maybe you disappear emotionally.

Maybe your inner critic gets very loud.

Before trying to eliminate the behavior, become curious about it.

What happens immediately before it?

What emotion shows up?

What does your body do?

What story does your mind begin telling you?

What are you afraid will happen?

What do you suddenly feel compelled to do?

Those questions can begin revealing the pattern beneath the pattern.

Try This Before You Leave This Page

You do not need to solve your entire childhood tonight.

Start smaller.

Put both feet on the floor if that feels comfortable.

Take a slow breath.

Then think about the pattern that brought you to this article.

Write down:

What happened?

Just the facts first.

Then:

What did I feel?

Try to name the emotion without judging it.

Then:

What did I immediately want to do?

Withdraw?

Text repeatedly?

Fix it?

Defend yourself?

Eat?

Drink?

Work?

Control?

Please everyone?

Attack yourself?

Then ask:

What might this response be trying to protect me from?

Finally:

What would responding with wisdom look like for the next ten minutes?

Not forever.

Not the rest of your life.

The next ten minutes.

Maybe wisdom is taking another breath.

Maybe it is not sending the text yet.

Maybe it is calling someone safe.

Maybe it is praying.

Maybe it is writing.

Maybe it is going for a walk.

Maybe it is setting a boundary.

Maybe it is making an appointment with a qualified mental-health professional.

Maybe it is simply allowing yourself to feel something without immediately trying to make it disappear.

One different response will not erase a lifelong pattern.

But it can be practice.

And practice matters.

What I Would Tell the Diana Who Recorded Episode 3

If I could go back to the woman sitting in that studio recording this conversation in 2024, I think I would tell her:

You can do it.

Things are going to change.

You are going to grow.

You are going to heal things you once thought would always hurt this much.

And then, just when you think you have figured yourself out, life will show you something else that needs your attention.

That is not failure.

Maybe that is the point.

Growing.

Learning.

Becoming.

Choosing again.

I don't think healing means reaching some final destination where nothing ever activates us again.

Maybe healing looks more like noticing sooner.

Pausing longer.

Shaming ourselves less.

Becoming more curious.

Getting help when we need it.

Making a different choice when we can.

And when we don't?

Learning from that too.

Keep the Conversation Going

If you recognize yourself somewhere in this article, listen to my full conversation with Travis Gray in:

Episode 3: Unveiling the Shadows: A Glimpse Into the Comprehensive Emotional Memory Assessment (CEMA) with Travis Gray

The terminology may be different from some of the language I use today, but that is one reason I wanted to return to these early episodes.

The podcast has grown.

I have grown.

And hopefully, if you stay curious about your own story, you will keep growing too.

You do not have to understand your entire life today.

Notice one pattern.

Get curious about it.

Take a breath.

Then choose what you want to practice next.

Reflection Questions

1. What is one pattern in your life that keeps making you ask, “Why do I keep doing this?”

2. When does that pattern usually appear?

3. What feeling tends to come immediately before your reaction?

4. If that reaction were trying to protect you from something, what might it be?

5. What did you learn about love, conflict, trust, emotions, or asking for help growing up?

6. Does that belief still fit the life you are living today?

7. What would “responding in wisdom” look like the next time this pattern appears?

8. Who could help you practice something different?

Sources & Further Reading

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S.

Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships

Fraley, R. C.

Research on adult attachment and relationship patterns

Richard C. Schwartz, PhD / IFS Institute

Resources on Internal Family Systems, managers, firefighters, exiles, and Self-leadership

Neuroplasticity and Learning Research

Research examining how experience and repeated learning can influence brain function across the lifespan

A Note About CEMA

The Comprehensive Emotional Memory Assessment discussed in Episode 3 is a framework created by Travis Gray and reflects his clinical approach.

At the time of this writing, I have not located peer-reviewed research establishing CEMA as a standardized, validated psychological assessment.

I include it here as part of the conversation with Travis, not as an endorsement of a scientifically validated diagnostic instrument.

A Gentle Note

This article and The Holistic Counselor Podcast are for educational purposes only. They are not therapy, diagnosis, medical advice, or a substitute for individualized care from a qualified professional.

If a pattern is creating significant distress, affecting your relationships or daily functioning, or is connected to trauma, substance use, self-harm, or safety concerns, consider reaching out to an appropriately licensed mental-health professional.

If you are in crisis or need immediate support in the United States, call or text 988.