Ending the Silence: Faith-Based, Age-Appropriate Sex Education to Break Shame & Reclaim Biblical Sexuality with Kristen Miele, M.Ed.

Welcome to the Holistic Counselor Podcast. Fearfully and wonderfully made human. I'm your host, Diana S. Rice, licensed mental health counselor, certified integrative mental health professional, and curious soul who's always asking the question why. This show exists to merge faith, psychology, and whole person healing, creating space for you to feel loved, understood, and equipped to walk out your God-given purpose.

If you've been listening for a while, you know I'm passionate about exploring the hard questions, the ones we often wrestle with in silence. And if you're new here, I invite you to go back and listen to past episodes. Every conversation is a doorway to deeper understanding, and your reviews help others just like you find this content.

So, if you feel led, leaving a quick rating or review, that's one of the most impactful ways to support this show. Today's guest is someone I first heard mentioned back in episode 77, reclaiming biblical sexuality after trauma and purity culture with Dr. Carol Tanksley.

I thought, why not reach out and invite her here? So, guess what? She said yes. Joining me today is Kristen Mi, a sexual health educator and the owner and founder of Sex Ed Reclaimed. Kristen provides Christian families with a full video library of biblically based age appropriate sexual health education for kids ages 3 to 18.

A resource that is both grounded in scripture and practical for real life conversations. You can find her full curriculum at www.sexedrelaimed.com. Kristen lives in Columbus, Ohio with her husband, their two daughters, and her two kitty cats. We're going to dive deep into how to talk about sexual health in a way that is truthful, biblical, age appropriate, and trauma aare.

Whether you're a parent, grandparent, youth leader, or simply someone who cares about raising the next generation with both truth and grace, I hope this conversation will equip and encourage you. So, settle in, open your heart, and let's step into this powerful conversation with Kristen.

Kristen, thank you for being on the show.

Thank you, Diana. That was a very warm welcome. I already feel like at peace. I need to come to you for all of my counseling needs. Um, but I'm really happy to be here and I appreciate your enthusiasm for what I do.

Yeah. No, for sure. After talking to Dr. Carol, like that really opened my mind and of course this is what I usually do. Someone else talks about somebody like and I'm like, "Oh, let me see what that is about." And then I get curious and then I go look and I and I literally went through your website.

I'm like, "This is something that has been needed since the beginning of time talking about this subject." So before we dive into the content, I love to start with your story. What actually led you to create this?

Right. Um I the shortest answer of what led me to create sex ad reclaimed is actually I was in a place of grief and the Lord brought beauty from ashes which is what he does. But I the longer answer is that and more maybe practical sounding answer is that I studied public health in undergraduate and graduate school and I was assigned a TA position of um human sexuality.

Oh wow.

And because I grew up in a Christian family and I'm saying it like this because I grew up in a Christian family and I believe this statement is true for many. We did not talk about this. Um it was too scandalous. if you did, it meant that you were taking away your child's innocence.

There's nothing really to say. You're not supposed to do this until you get married anyway. And hopefully the church or school will take care of it anyway. And none of those things like panned out. They weren't really good for me. But it wasn't our parents' fault um that we never talked about it.

It wasn't the school or the church. It's not entirely their fault. It's just how it was modeled for them. These aren't conversations that have been happening. And so when I began to teach the subject at a secular big university, I saw how little educated students knew about the topic.

And it just worried me from a public health standpoint. And I had this come to Jesus moment where I said, Lord, like why did you give me this position? I was praying for a job and you gave me this. Why? And she said, "Why?

Why are you afraid of sex? Like this is mine. What what makes you think that it's not?" And I just realized, hey, this is God's topic. There's no reason we shouldn't be talking about it. It's not sinful to talk about it as I honestly probably thought.

Um, now does culture honor God or the Bible? No, of course not. They don't know him. But that doesn't mean that I can't teach in a way that shares truth in such an important topic. And so I began doing that and it was wonderful.

I ended up winning awards at at my university of, you know, best TA of the year um kinds of awards when at initially I was terrified to talk about this topic with students and they they noted it. my my initial reviews were not good and it totally did a 180 after I had that prayer time because I felt comfortable and safe and ready and excited and hopeful and that began my journey.

That was in 2010. That began my journey in sexed and I tried to walk away from sexed many times because I thought this isn't really what I planned on doing. I never thought I would be talking about this. But the Lord kept drawing me back to it over and over and over again where every time I tried to take a hard left away from it.

It was like, "No, you're actually gonna go back and do this."

Um, to the point that I went overseas on the mission field

again, thought I would be leaving that behind. But people found out what I had done in my past and wanted that information. And so I began teaching moms, parents, um, and then I worked at a school, K through 8 school, and taught their health classes, which included sexual health.

Was it private school or a public school?

Um, I was in both, but I primarily ended up being in a private school.

Yeah.

And it was Christian. It was a bilingual Christian school. Um, and then I came back from the mission field to the States. And why I said it came from a place of grief is because I was really sad about coming back. It was unexpected that we came back.

We actually didn't even grab our things. We left um very unexpectedly. We had pets over there. We left them. Um we left the entire My husband's a physician. We left the entire hospital behind.

Wow.

And

and I was really angry about that and really sad. My husband had a clear vision not to return. I did not. So I felt it was very unfair. My husband had never had a vision before like that. Um and I was really grieving the whole thing, all of it. the loss of my job, you know, the mission field.

I thought I would be staying there. Um my life there and my training, etc. And then Sex Reclaimed was born. I was really praying about what was next. And it was just

I'm not going to say as day, but pretty close to that of,

hey, actually, you're going to film what you do for this, you know, this world, and you're going to tape it and put it out there for parents to utilize. And I actually started to tape it from a purely scientific point of view, which is how I have been teaching it in most secular settings.

But I felt this calling. No, no, no, no, no. God, God gave you this vision. It has to you have to merge what you would naturally merge and truly be authentic. And so it is a Christian-based sex ed curriculum for families. Not only Christians use it um but I do not shy away from mentioning grace and forgiveness and love and God's commands and his goodness and his mercy.

So um that is through all of it. I initially thought it was going to be three lessons for kids and now it is over 115 lessons for kids.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I want to go back a little from when you were in the in your college as a TA because when you were mentioning that I was thinking of my first time sitting with a hundred students at Florida Atlantic University and it was sexed because it was my undergrad and the professor said how many of you have learned sex from your parents and hundred students right about a hundred and we're all looking around and nobody raised their hand.

Nobody. No.

Um and then and then and then like well how many of you learned at this age you know she was going through each I bet that's probably what you've done too and the next thing you know it's like how many of you learned from streets or porn and most my hand raised too because I did not grow up in a Christian environment Kristen okay so even though you said they didn't talk about it in most because

really parents don't know how this was my sex talk in Spanish my mom basically said if you get knocked up I will kill That was my sex talk.

And so I learned listen I the first time I ever saw pornography was in elementary school in New York City in the 70s.

Okay. So it's so as you see many of us even those that might be listening right now they're probably going oh yeah we're making them think we're making them think like where did we learn about sex? And then I went into I was also in the Catholic realm and so sex wasn't talked about in that loving, godly, gracefilled way like you're talking about, Kristen.

And then I became a parent, right? And so I'm trying to learn, but I'm also becoming a therapist and I was a preschool teacher. So, I had to learn ways to teach my bonus kids cuz I know we've had a conversation before we recorded and my son in a healthy way where and I realized this conversation is not a one-time thing, Kristen.

It is not a one-time thing. This is a conversation to start at a very young age, age appropriate. How do you do that?

Right.

Well, that that's key. And it also provides some freedom. If you don't make it into one big strange weekend or one big talk or one book you pass off, it actually gives you a lot of freedom because there's many opportunities to have conversations with your kids, not just oneoff points in life in their life.

And so you start when they're little by simply naming their body parts. I know parents um who struggle with this. It sounds simple, but I they they haven't looked into their own

issues, if you will, like you were basically mentioning around where did I learn about sex? What do I think? Why why is the word penis freak me out so much? She just said the word penis. Why am I weirded out by that?

Um why do I prefer to call it this slang term or that slang term?

Well, it's because that's what you learned and you have kind of inherited some stigmatized feelings around anatomy and that's normal but it's it's not good and so actually taking time one of the tips I give parents is to look into your own sex ed experiences first your own trauma because that might include trauma you know have you ever sought out counseling um for trauma you experienced or went through have you talked about it with your spouse if you're married, right?

You have to look into yourself first before you can do this really well. So, prayer, journaling, conversations, having a date night with your spouse where you really get into, hey, I know we kind of talked about how our what our sex ad experience was like, but I like I want to know more.

I mean, I was married for almost a decade and I was finding out more about my spouse's kind of learnings when he was a kid. things he had never mentioned before. But as we sought counseling coming off the mission field, there was so much more that was coming up that was like, "Oh, and this happened and this happened and I saw this once."

And it was like, "Wow, that really informed you." And you haven't realized it until you're in your mid30s, but you you don't you don't realize it until you until you open your eyes, right, to it. And most people don't want to think about that.

So,

it's it's easier to start when they're young,

a if you've looked into your own stuff first, but B, because they are so little, they don't have all of that inherited shame and stigma yet. And so, naming their body parts, talking about safety, saying, you know, hey, you're in the bath right now, you're taking a bath, doing a great job cleaning your body, but nobody else should be, you know, seeing you naked.

Or if somebody ever asked you to take off your clothes, what do you think you would do? trying to find out, you know, are they safe? When they go to daycare, when they go to your parents house or your sister's house or a neighbor's house, are they safe?

Have they ever seen anything? Even if they're only three or four, have they ever seen anything? Have they ever has somebody ever taken pictures? Like telling them, hey, you nobody should ever take pictures of you with your clothes off. You should never ask another kid to take your clothes off.

When you play dress up, can you go change in the bathroom? Yes. Like that's what's most safe for you. And it's not to freak them out. It's just to, you know, you can hear my tone. It's positive. It's encouraging.

It's loving because unfortunately as we all know there is so much stuff that goes on with littles because they're very vulnerable and so making sure that they're safe, they know the names of their body parts so they can tell you if anything happens and just to remove stigma.

Um how to clean their body, you know, girls should wipe from the front to the back. Shoot, some girls don't know that when they're 17 for getting UTI, you know. Yes.

Right. So when you start that little it it's so much easier later on. Um and even if you haven't just recognizing the elephant in the room, hey, we haven't talked about this and you're 16 now, but I really want to because this was my experience or this is how I've seen it negatively affect me since I never learned about it or I only learned about it from porn.

Whatever you feel comfortable telling them, but really to show them, I care about you. I love you. I'm here for this conversation. I'm present and I want to protect you and I want you to know what we believe and what we think and why.

Um, but ultimately if you do have littles in your home, be honest. Like when my daughter saw me, you know, of course you know how it is. Like kids come in the bathroom when you're in there. Try just go to the bathroom. You can't leave me alone for that.

But they come in. No, no. They come in and it's like, "Mom, what's that?" It's like, "Well, that's a tampon. What's that for? What do you do with that?" Well, you put it in the vagina when you have your period. Girls have their periods every month after they go through puberty and that helps us to have babies one day if we want to have babies.

That's part of the way the body works. Like boom, okay, done. Now my four-year-old knows what a period is. Like I didn't even know what they really were when I was 18. I'm not kidding, you know.

No, I had to learn from I had to learn I had to learn from a neighbor and and I was I mean, you know, that's the thing because we're middle school I know because I worked in alternative high schools most of my career before I went into private practice.

So I worked with middle school, high school. I mean, I've been working with with teenagers and I and in youth groups, right? And so, middle school, Kristen, like that is probably one of the most crucial times, especially um elementary, I get what you're saying, like you want to be matter of fact, this is everything.

Like this is this is with a respect and a love and an openness.

And that's the thing like a lot of parents, you're right, haven't done dealt with their own interpersonal situation of how they learn these things and so they pass it on to the next generation or they put fear or like you said they let the school or the church tell them and that's another thing that I saw with the purity culture with the it was always like shame based like scared fear shame instead of the beautifulness that

God because when I read the word of God it's a it's a beautiful thing between human beings supposed to be not this culture that we're being given on Tik Tok constantly or the 24/7 sexualization of the human or you know we're we're in such a age right now of like okay everything's out there and we don't know what truth is anymore right and so how I want to I'm I'm curious about how you dealt with in

the secular environment more because I work with more people that don't know the Lord, right?

And I want the Lord to be shine through. But sometimes what happens, we're in this culture because I work with a lot of those that are I call it they're reconstructing their faith, not deconstructing their faith. Yep.

Okay. They're reconstruct they're disentangling their trauma from their faith. And so how you know like bodily autonomy and consent right aren't just the buzzwords because there are a lot of denominations that I hate to put it that they'll Bible dart a woman or Bible dart children or Bible dart others by saying oh no like you kind of take your rights away.

So I've had women come to me and say well I'm supposed to give sex no matter what because my body you know the Bible verses that they use. How do you deal with something like that or would it's it's so much to talk about.

So how how do you deal or how do you teach this in your curriculum?

Right. Well, in the secular setting, the way I would weave in truth without overtly mentioning Jesus Christ or the Bible

is I would talk a lot about um so instead of imagebearers, I might say that each person has immense value. That each person is incredibly important and um they're valuable not because of their body, but because simply they exist. Um they have a story and a life.

And I would say, so I would weave in the golden rule, right? Everybody knows the golden rule. They don't really realize it came from the Bible, but you do unto others as as you want them to do unto you. Um, and that go uh connects well to the conversation around consent and around um caring for each other.

When um I talked to secular school settings or secular groups about relationships, let's say, I talked a lot about

[clears throat]

um future planning. So this is something that's in Proverbs. This is something we should think about like don't be unequally yolked, right? But in a secular setting, I wouldn't say that. It was more about who what kind of person do you want to be with?

And have you ever made goals for that? Or are you just going to date the first person that likes you or the first person that's really attractive that likes you? Um, but what about their character? What about the kind of person they are?

Do they live a life of integrity? Do you want that? Do they are they extremely needy in the relationship? How would that bother you or would it not? What do they want out of the relationship? Do they want to have sex? And you're sure you don't?

So then what are you going to do? Are you going to date this person anyway when most likely there's probably an aspect of pressure unless you know for whatever reason they are um saying that no, I'll commit to that with you as well.

Like really engaging them on how are teens living out their values and how are they succumbing to some of the pressures of culture because we've all been there. But I think there's really good ways. There's something called like the success sequence.

And a lot of more conservative groups use it, but it basically says that if you wait until you're married to have kids, if you seek out some sort of post high school training or collegiate training, um then you are more likely to get out of poverty, more likely to have less debt, more likely to have a family who are together and um kind of sustain a healthy life.

And so there's ways you can talk to kids in those kinds of settings that encourage good things that are positive for them actually really go against culture in many ways and go against the narrative of like actually don't get married like don't bother having kids they're horrible you know it goes against those um narratives that are bleeding into young people's lives now.

Yeah. but honors um them as a person with the choice and says, "What do you really want though if you really think about because most people do want that? They do want healthy families. They do want a healthy marriage if that comes around one day.

They do want jobs. They do want something they're passionate about. So, um encouraging teens to really sit with that, to make goals, to journal, to write, to pray if you know they have a faith background about their futures. And and I I always encourage parents to use opportunities around them.

So maybe they're watching a show or a movie with their child. Maybe they're looking at social media together. Maybe um they're listening to the news or radio, you know, a song on the radio. Asking your teen like, "What do you think about this Taylor Swift song?

Like she sings a lot about her exes and

why? Like why does she do that so much? Why do so many people sing about love? What do you think?" Might get some I don't know, whatever. But really put pressing into that consistently where you use those opportunities. Hey, did you see that billboard?

I want to know what you thought of it.

I don't know what I thought of it. I just saw it. Well, can I tell you what I thought? I just thought like they were really sexualizing that girl. And I want to tell you why that bothers me. Like just go for it.

Use those opportunities. They're they're there. They're a captive audience particularly in the car. like use them the opportunities to talk about things that you have um serious value around that you care about but you maybe don't know how to present like just walk into that.

I know I know families who will turn off the TV if they see certain things,

right?

And sometimes that applies, right? You don't want your kid to see anything super explicit or something.

But I understand though, Kristen, I'm sorry, but it's true. I mean, you you turn it off or you're tell what I've learned in the decades I've been working with adolescence and me remembering vividly when someone an adult would say, "Hey, listen, don't do that.

That makes the curiosity go tenfold." And you're like, "Why not? Oh, now I need to go check it out. So, how do you deal with that? How do you teach parents with that situation? Because we are we're all curious creatures, most of us, if we get the opportunity because that's where critical thinking actually is developed by the curiosity.

And what I've seen is many adults because it's not just parents, it's caregivers or or teachers or whatever, they come in with that heavy hand and you know, especially in high controlling situations and they come and slam down and it's like no and then the guilt and shame goes in there.

How do you how's your curriculum work with that? My curriculum does not do dos and don'ts. I'm just totally against that for sex ed. Like I said, even if if you're turning something off, you need to explain why. like [clears throat] you can't just turn it off.

Your kids will natur to know why. And if you're not going to explain it, then they're going to go find the answer elsewhere. And so I am very anti- legalistic sex um a legalistic faith. Like that's not my faith background. Um rules. I'm naturally a bit rebellious.

I'm the youngest of of three and I've just always been that way. Um, but it's in free will, which the Lord gives us, that you really figure out like, oh no, this is what I want to follow and this is why. Free will is key.

If God makes us love him, then the gospel isn't necessary. Um, that also prevents sin in some ways, but he gives us the option to choose him or not, which is huge for a loving relationship um and one of trust. And so I just try to emulate that in the way I teach.

I really try to emulate

I love that

um the option of free will um even when I talk about heavy topics like abortion I never say and actually one organization I had reached out to for some support

um in the way of collaboration and like encouraging people to buy my curriculum early on and they said you know we can't because we saw your abortion video which by the way is a few videos out of myund you know 20 um one for one for the there's two of them for each of the older older age groups and he said you never say abortion is murder and don't do it.

I'm like, "Yeah, cuz everybody everybody knows that Christians say that, right?" Like, they've all heard that. Um I And it's not that simplistic. There's more to the conversation than don't do it, and abortion is murder. And Christians get abortions. So, I want to speak to the kids before they're ever getting an abortion or their friends are getting an abortion about why, like, let's talk about it holistically about why people seek out abortion.

How do they get there literally? Like, how did why literally are they in that position, right? unprotected sex, abuse, birth control failings.

Exactly. So many so many reasons. And I've had to deal with this situation too as a therapist, as a counselor, honestly, Kristen, and it is

and I'm a I love Jesus Christ. He is the way. I follow him completely. Okay. It at the same time, when a human being comes to me and they're 12 years old and they were raped by their father.

Yeah.

Okay. And now I have to get the authorities and everything in there like that. But and then all of a sudden, what do you do with that? where you have people come in with their full force. And I'm like, wait a minute. No, you can't be that heavy-handed person because this is why we're in such a predicament that we're in in the first place,

right? I mean, I'm glad to hear that, Kristen. I I didn't go through your 150 videos. I don't know. I just pray I pray a lot and go, "All right, Lord, whoever's I'm I'm interviewing, please let them glorify you somehow some way." And if they're not if they don't know you, that we have a conversation that helps the listener.

Okay? Because it's not about what Kristen believes or what I believe. It's about you listener to figure your stuff out to have critical thinking and get information and get the help you need so you could be a productive member of society.

Right.

And so, right, and I'm big on reality.

What's the reality? The reality is that people in that particular matter, they seek this out. They get these. They don't have the support. Christians do. And so even with my videos, it's like I sent those out to groups to be like, "Hey, what do you think about this?"

Like my video on what to do when somebody comes out to you. Not if, when.

You have a video like that, Kristen?

Of course. I have many videos like that.

Wait, what about masturbation?

I sent those to my

masturbation. You have a video on masturbation?

Yeah, I can send them to you.

Oh my god.

I cover all of it because good good sex ed talks about everything. And that's

everything. Yes. Originally, when I thought, "Oh, I'll just have a video about STI, a video about pregnancy, a video about um anatomy." It's like, no, it's so much more nuanced than that. It's so much bigger than that. There's so many issues that kids need spoken into and need some sort of direction, leaning, and parents need help.

They don't know how to do it, like understandably.

And so, I want to be there. Yes, my videos are for kids, but they're really

for empowering the parent, too, to see how it can be done, how it can be conversed about. And every single one of my videos has engagement questions for the kids where they stop, they pause literally um and they either journal or talk to a peer or a sibling or a parent about the questions I'm asking.

Like, okay, now that you know this many people get abortions every year, what can you do about that? Are there five action steps you can take? Right, just to help them engage um really well practically with the material. Um yeah, what to do when your friend comes out?

I mean, I sent that to my gay friends who ultimately like left the church because they weren't loved by Christians.

I mean, therapy. Listen, Kristen, I had a client um not just one, a few that, you know, I'm a I'm an alternative high school and a public high school, but people come from different faith backgrounds. And you get the client that comes in and like, "Oh, no.

I had to go to this conversion therapy camp." And I'm going, "What?" And I was learning so much from my teenagers because we don't know everything. No, nobody knows everything. And so I started going and researching and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, no wonder you tried to kill yourself,"

right? So things like that, just just different things like that where a girl comes in and and all of a sudden she's 13 and she's got a boyfriend and they're how do I put it without sounding so, you know, because people are going to be like, "Oh, this is clean."

But they were dry humping. I mean, how else do you put it? and she thought she got pregnant because she didn't know. You see what I'm saying, Kristen? Like these are the situations that of course you being in the educ educational field and me as a therapist working alter, we hear these things.

But you're right, parents don't. Some of them get shocked. Some of them are like, "No, this doesn't happen." Some of them have their own personal situation that they didn't deal with from their background and they've been hiding it or ignoring it or they just don't know because this is what they were raised in.

So they trust they children trust the environment that they are surrounded is the village that raises them until they and this is why I believe why we have angry teenagers in every generation. I don't care. Teenagers all of a sudden realize and they're like, "My parents have been lying to me most of this time."

And so then they go to their friends and then that's where they find out from TV, from the streets, from curiosity, from, you know, and now with the cell phones and everything just right there 24/7 that they're able, you know, Finina. Some parents have no idea what I mean by Finina.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. You know, and so what other I mean I I can't believe like you touched these really deep sub. Good for you.

Yeah, you have to. You have to. If you don't, somebody else will.

Exactly. You're going to learn it from the street.

Yeah. It's not that I have all the answers. If you watch the videos, you'll see. It's not like I'm giving you I'm like I said, I'm not saying abortion is murder. Don't do it.

I'm not giving them a prescriptive answer for what they should do. Even in my birth control videos, there are people who disagree with birth control entirely or feel or feel understandably that the hormones just impact them and we don't know the full impact of fine.

I I get that. But I'm still going to give you the facts about what's out there, what the options are, why people seek it out, how can you make a plan, what do you want out of your future, do you want kids or not?

Do you how do you how are you going to prevent them if you don't? you know, like I want to give kids um all the [clears throat] facts so that they can make an educated decision about things in their futures and in their present, but also I want to give them more of a full conversation around why things happen the way that they do um and how they can engage with that.

So, is this a curriculum really good for schools too? Like can did you do so but all schools like public schools too? No,

no. It it wouldn't fit for public schools. Um, and I have kind of, you know, recommendations for other groups, but sexed

I kind of made that executive decision early on, like I said earlier. It was like, I'm either going to go this route or I'm not. And I decided, no, this is going to be fully faith-based. But, so it's Christian schools, and that's that's just where my heart is, is like Christians need to step up.

They need to be teaching this material. Period. End of story. Now, it's trickier than that because there's always parents and boards and people have to approve this and that and what does she believe about this and is her theology the same? Yes.

All of it. But I do have Christian schools are my second biggest customer after families

really. Okay.

I mean, they can use whatever parts they want. It's not like they have to show all 100. They don't have time for that. But um they can show whatever is relevant to that class. Maybe there's issues around sexing.

Maybe there's not, right? Maybe they're they're talking about abortion. They're like, "Well, you know what? Let's go back to that curriculum we have access to and and see what she says and have some conversation.

Can you let me know? I mean, I know that'll probably be a long because if there's 150 videos, but can you just share with me all the topics that you you hit? We've already named a couple, but what else? You said sexing, you know, what else is there?

Okay. Well, there's all the there's like puberty and body safety. There's bad pictures, which is basically porn. So, then later on, I talk about porn itself. Um, I I do talk about touch, like selft with little kids. So I talk about that is really focused on germs and being safe and keeping your hands out of your pants at the grocery store and you know things like this not shouting penis at the grocery store.

Um so as as they get older of course the curriculum ages but actually every single topic I teach is listed on my website okay

under the various because I have four curriculum depending on the age of the child. So depending on what ages your kids are, your students are you would go and you would click that and see. But yeah, what to do if somebody comes out to you?

What do you what do I do if I think I'm gay? Um what is transitioning? Why do people transition? Um masturbation, pregnancy, masculinity and femininity, like true masculinity, true femininity. Um how do periods work? How does pregnancy work? Um what are STI? How do people get them?

Birth control. Um uh there's a lot around consent and safety, healthy relationships, healthy communication, respect, um uh safety on the internet. Um I mean it's Yeah, I could go on. I don't

Wow. just lit me like the real stuff. the real stuff that that not just the you know because I remember in high school my sex ed class it was PE coaches that were my sex ed teachers and not female not female the male ones like the football coach right is all right and I'm in ninth grade I have no idea I'm a virgin you know I don't have a sex talk at home I'm you know I come from a culture because that's another thing is it culturally sensitive because our cultures are all different right because

you know you One culture in the Christian realm is like very modest. You have to have the the dresses down to your ankles and then the they put the guilt on the girls if you show a little skin, right? But and then another culture.

Listen, that's our culture. Like we we come in, we're you know, we're from a Latin culture. Some of us like to salsa dance, whatever. And we like to wear our dresses tight. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how else to explain it.

I'm not making excuses, but it, you know, there's so many things that are not culturally sensitive because sometimes we work in the inner cities and guess what? There there's mothers that are 13 years old. I mean, and that's just how it is like in part.

Okay. So, that's to me really important as well as I'm I'm talking to you because that's where I come from. Remember the beauty from the ashes. That's what we were talking about earlier. like this sex ed reclaim is beauty from ashes that you shared in in earlier.

The same for me with this podcast and through the valley therapy and and watching things, you know, um church abuse and stuff like that or just regular abuse from people. Um, so with this curriculum and this understanding of cultural competency and just being able to speak real like you know I remember I had a client who who had um OCD really bad because it we finally got to the nitty-gritty of it.

It was because he was around 11 years old and his parent came in and found him masturbating. But when you don't know and the parent don't know how to speak about it, all that is straight up saying, "Oh my gosh, you got the devil in you."

So imagine 11 years old thinking you have the devil in you because you're touching yourself.

Mhm.

How do you how do you speak on these things in your curriculum or how do you touch on these things, you know, without

It's so It's so hard. But what right? It is hard. It is hard. And I do think parents are the best sex educators or they should be the best sex educator in the sense not that they're necessarily the most um they have the biggest resume for it, the longest resume, but they are the best position to because you're your child's guardian.

Like this is what your part of your job. And so I do actually have videos in each of my curriculum for parents only. So one of them is called what to do if you walk in on your child masturbating. Um

wow. And basically the I'll give you the short of that video which is that you you you don't ignore it. You don't pretend like you didn't see it. Um you ask them like, "Hey, I won't get dressed. Like I I I do want to talk to you."

But you really watch your tone. You watch your body language, right? Um kindness, love, empathy, understanding. And it does depend on the age a little bit. Like it's very different um an 11-year-old versus a 17-year-old. Are they using porn, not using porn? because that's going to bring in different parts of the conversation too that you need to touch on, but really having um the conversation about it is key.

Showing uh kind and loving body language and saying, "Hey, I know that this is something you were doing, something you were exploring. It's very normal. A lot of people do do this. There's a ton of nerve endings in your genitals." And so, it does feel good to touch them, which is something I recognize in my curriculum.

Um, however, I do want to talk about the fact that you were using porn. Like, porn is really harmful. And I want to talk to you a little bit about that. And I'm not I'm [clears throat] not going to tell you it's easy to get away from because it can be really addictive, but it's really hurtful and here's why.

And so actually getting to kind of have that conversation around porn or maybe around your values around masturbation. You know, Christians even have different perspectives on masturbation. And so what are your values and where do you get those from? And actually explaining those to the the kid.

Um I mean, if your kid's three, for example, this is a different conversation because some parents assume it's masturbation, but it's not. They're not trying. sexually excited and have an orgasm and they're not fantasizing like they're just um self-touching because it's soothing to them and they're trying to soo themselves.

So like my daughters, you know, they would do kind of you mentioned dry humping earlier. They would kind of do that on like beds, right, a little bit and instead of freaking out, my husband and I both recognize this is totally normal thing to do, self soothing, but um as they got a little bit bigger, it was like this is something you can do in your bed, okay?

Just in your bed, like not in front of your babysitters. Um, and honestly, we didn't even really get into why. Um, you know, we we weren't trying to make it a sexual thing when it wasn't to her, but just letting her know like, you know, never put your hands because you might have germs and dirty, like it really [clears throat] making it age appropriate, but setting boundaries around when, when, and where.

Um, for a little kid who's not trying to masturbate, they're just self soothing and knowing that it's going to fade out anyway. It's not going to be this continual problem necessarily. And if it is and if it is a continual situation, then you just have to keep asking and checking because you never know if if if at a pres because I'm a therapist who works with trauma.

You know what I'm saying, right? It's like how do you have a video on that of like, oh my gosh, my kid

I just found out grandpa or uncle or whatever situation happened. What do I do now? So, do you give resources too like when situations come up or how's that curriculum work? I don't give resources. I feel like there's so many, but I do tell people to look for, let's say, um, yeah, they're they're doing something that's new and you're wondering why are they doing this now or why are they mentioning this word now or why are they, you know, acting in this way.

Well, you have to ask about that sleepover. You have to ask if they've seen anything. You have to ask if anybody's tried touching and um, and you just want to know because you love them. You care about them, not because they're going to be in trouble.

Right.

Um but I do I mean I regularly recommend counseling. I regularly recommend when it's relevant um seeking out addiction recovery resources or um filters, accountability um things for the internet. There's just so many as you can imagine with this topic like resources that can come in that feed into different aspects of this.

Um so it'd be like exhaustive for me to mention all of them. Um I have some affiliates and things where I you know

so so those are listed on my website if um they are an affiliate connection of mine and actually people can be an affiliate of sex claimed where if they mention it um to somebody else and that somebody else buys they can actually earn income for their ministry or their work as well.

Oh interesting.

Yeah. So you can sign up on my website. Um, anybody can, anybody can. Um, there's a brief application on my website, but um, it's hard to to list all the resources out there, but I am really thankful that there are there are many, but there's somewhat dependent on where you live and that kind of thing, too.

Yeah, it sounds like your curriculum has a lot of science behind it.

Like, you literally talk logical science, you know, not fiction stuff and not feels, emotional stuff. you have the emotional, but you know what I'm talking about because that's the thing like it sounds like you might have statistics in there or you've done the research of going no these are the situations that have come up in our society and culture and this is the reality people and how are we going to move forward in a culture that

keeps ignoring things and now we're going to do it in a beautiful loving way Christc centered way which is you know that's the thing there was so much I know for me sexually there was a lot of confusion, shame, guilt, uh just so many things.

And there was a time where I was a atheist and went into off the deep end. And then I realized like I didn't have counseling. I didn't know. I did not know. And and this is why I went into being a counselor because I had so many questions of so many things.

And I'm like, well, it starts with the behavior, human behavior, and why are we in this place? Um, and why why did so and so do that or why did I have to see that or stuff like that, right? It's

and then getting the healing. So, Kristen, let me tell you like this is phenomenal. Like, I'm really impressed and and somehow someway, you never know, it could go into the secular um schools because it doesn't sound like you're pushing a flipping denominational agenda or you're trying to cause hurt and pain.

It's like you're trying to open the minds of caregivers because I don't call them parents because of I've seen so many families. Yeah.

Right. Um so before because I could sit here and talk to you for another flipping hour, girl.

I love this. I love this. Um so you you know you've reached homes in all 50 states and 13 countries. And so what are some of the outcomes um or feedback you've received that show how this work is transforming families and bridging generational gaps?

Yeah, that question makes me a bit emotional actually um because it is doing that and that is such an honor and a privilege and a blessing and a mercy in a way that I even get to hear about those things. Um, you know, I have my own story, right?

And I have my own pain in that story. Like you're saying, you kind of fill the gap that you see in the world, whether you knew you were headed that way or not. And I do want to prevent some things. I'll put it that way.

I want to prevent some things. I want to um encourage and empower in other ways. And I get I'm doing that. And it's [clears throat] so crazy because I actually just launched this business in January of 2023. And so it's only 2 and 1/2 years old.

Well, a little over two and a half and um already it's just gone to places I never could have imagined. Um I can share I mean I have testimonials and things like that on the website but I I a story um maybe week before last um mom emailed me or I'm sorry no she messaged me on Instagram and she said I need to tell you a story about my 11-year-old who uses the curriculum.

I said okay. So, her 11-year-old went to a friend's house, good friend, and the friend said, "Did you know you can look up naked bodies on YouTube?"

And this kid said, "No." And he started typing it into YouTube. And I have an acronym in my younger curriculum, which is stop. So, it's if a bad picture's coming or it's there, you see one, you're being shown one, shut your eyes, tell an adult, open your mind to something new, and play something else.

And um he had already been through that curriculum. He had just turned 11, but he watched it, you know, when he was 10. So, he did that. He said, "No, I'm not not going to watch that." Um, he told his mom, who then called that that mother or those parents, and um they played something else.

They went outside and they played instead. And she was like, "You prevented my child from seeing porn at 11 and starting something who knows, right? Like, he's married in 20 years and he's still watching porn and now he's struggling in his marriage and his wife is unhappy and like he's hiding it because he's, you know, they're Christian, whatever."

Um, and I'm like, man, that that's what I'm here for. I'm here for that. I don't know who that kid is. Um, but the fact that I get to like do that and I don't know if he'll never see porn, if I'll prevent that,

you know, whole life.

Right.

Right. But it's from this age and now that other mom who she called is like aware of something her son is doing because this mom was able to say like, "Okay, this is what my kid did." Um, and she said, "The only reason my child did that, I never would have talked to him about porn.

He's so he's so little. The only reason reason he did that is because he watched curriculum and I'm like that is just so cool. So

um and then I have you know what's interesting is and this comes to mind I guess a little bit maybe because of your story. I have parents who like have kids who are older maybe they're in their 20s now and they didn't do anything with them or they had a purity weekend and that was it or something and they've seen they will tell me they've seen how that affected them negatively.

Yeah. um in their fresh marriages, in their young lives during the college years, whatever in the relationship with their parents still. So, but then they have a third or fourth kid who's a bit younger, right? And they're like, I'm doing it differently with them.

Like, I'm getting your curriculum. I'm doing it differently. I want to have these conversations and I want my older kids to hopefully come back and I can like talk to them about this stuff now. And I just think that is really cool, too, to basically say, yeah, I kind of screwed up with these other kids.

Like, I don't really like what I did for XYZ reason.

I'm going to change it for the next the next couple. Um because I have to I have to do something different and it's like but I don't know how to so I'll use your curriculum.

Kristen, let me tell you what I and I think I'm tearing up because I'm thinking of wow, I probably have like a dozen clients who come to me um male and female that are addicted to porn and that's why they're, you know, working through that they're that they were never taught appropriate in their home or it was a fearbased or the purity culture, you know, or the and you know, I have some that are 30ome year

old virgins still and they feel so much guilt and shame because they have desires in their body and and you know it is a hard place too because they're so used to saying the black and white of sex if you know what I mean in especially in the churches of you know it's just like no like it's like don't ever think that way don't you know it's just for procreation kind of thing or um and then

they have all these emotions and feelings and stuff like that I think your curriculum can actually help those that are over 18 like because I do a lot of internal family systems and cognitive behavioral therapy.

So, what it sounds like those inner children that are, you know, those parts of you that that inner child didn't get those things could be it could be beneficial for them as well to learn from scratch because eventually they're going to be if they choose to be parents.

They're going to need it to teach the next generation. So, honestly, zero or three three to 18 because I know that's what it was on your website. I'm thinking it's three to until your inner child's healed. Yeah.

Wow. So, Kristen, listen. I really appreciate your time and doing this hard work because I'm sure that there's people out there that would be like, "Oh, no." Like, and come after you. And so, it's like you staying focused on the race that God has put before you.

Honestly, it's the same for me in a way because I'm like starting through the Valley Therapy and this podcast, I'm like, I'm exhausted. I just want to go in the woods and hug trees all day and look for mushrooms. You know,

you want to forage.

I want to forage and just love on my kids and grandkids and cur, you know, I sort of want little house in the prairie in a way. In a way. In a way.

Yeah.

But umh [gasps] I guess to return to innocence is is the thing because uh innocence innocence is being lost in such an early age. What I've noticed in the last 20 years is that like those that are ninth grade mentality is in fourth grade now.

Like fourth graders are doing things that I remember seeing in ninth grade. You know what I mean? When I was working with the adolescence 20 years ago and I'm it's because of the devices.

And honestly, some parents are so busy or say like a single immigrant mother or father that just is working and their kids are

Yeah. You know, like it's it's I think your curriculum can do can help a lot of humans. I need to I think my my kids are going, "Oh no, she's going to come after all my grandkid all the grandkids now." Like, "Yep, guess what?

It's time for Abolita's lesson today. We're all coming."

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway,

they love Abolita, though.

Yeah. That's perfect.

I Yes. Yeah. All right. So Kristen, let me let me ask one final encouragement or resource or quote you would love to leave with our listeners before we say goodbye.

[snorts]

This is not my usual one, but if if anything from this podcast, which you've just listened to, is resonating, anything, whether it's talking to your spouse, doing a date night where you really go back um talking about porn addiction, asking your spouse about their porn usage or um your kids if they've seen anything or getting curriculum or um you know, prayer, whatever it is, whatever has stood out to you in this podcast, don't leave it in this podcast.

Go do something about it. Go do something about it. And I know that sounds a little bit generic or maybe even corny. Well, like, yeah, of course, like, but who really does things from a podcast? But it is so important because there, yes, we all learn from various topics growing up.

We have various subject matter, but sex is missed, even though it's one of the most life-changing. I mean, we're literally here because of sex. And so if anything stood out to you from this podcast as a parent um or a grandparent or a guardian or a teacher, go interact with that and do something about it this week, this upcoming weekend, whatever it is.

Um because you will be really honestly blessed by that.

Yeah. Go get help. That's what I'm hearing. Like go get some help. We're not meant to do this life alone. We're not.

And go talk. Go talk. I mean it takes It does take a village. Um,

yes.

So, go talk, go have that fellowship, go encourage your church, go ask your church, go Yeah. Go be in prayer, meditation, journaling, go forage and consider some things.

Um, do the inner work, right? Which I'm sure you tell clients all the time, but um

it's really important and it's actually really beautiful when the things come out into the light that we're in a dark place. Ah, it's so much better.

Yes, I know it's scary, but but that's fear. And to me, this is what I tell my clients all the time. Fear is false evidence appearing real. And we're trying to make you face everything and rise.

Right. Well, Kristen, thank you so much for being on the show. And listener, please do not forget to trust in the Lord, guard your heart, and renew your mind. Bye. And now for the disclaimer to make sure you understand that you are responsible for you.

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